Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up drinking.

This morning, as the monkey sat in his high chair throwing his breakfast on the floor, I read the paper. I was strangely amused to read about the recent developments in the Zacarius Moussaoui trial. Never mind about being the 20th 9/11 terrorist. He claims he was actually supposed to hijack a fifth plane and fly it into the White House. I don't know whether he can be believed or not, I just sat there chuckling to myself, thinking about what a crap job it must be to get stuck representing him in court. Imagine having this loon as your client? The lawyer in me pictured all the hard work that goes into prepping witnesses and clients for trial; and then there's this guy. Just when I think my job is tough...

So, anyway, pondering that made my day a little merrier, and I turned my attention back to the monkey who rewarded me with more food on the floor. Then we went to the pediatrician for a check up. Bad news in monkeyland.

It's time to give up the bottle.
Really. Totally. Give.it.up. I carefully explained to dear doctor that monkey is a bottle man. And worse..he's a bottle-in-bed man, a bottle-on-the-changing-table man, a bottle-in-front-of-the-tv man, etc. We don't do sippy cups here. We don't do straws. WE DRINK FROM BOTTLES. And in fact, the majority of our nutritional daily needs seem to be met from the five bottles that we continue to down each day starting at 4:00 in the morning.

Dear doctor looked at me, looked at the monkey, who of course was cuddling with his bottle ("baa-baa") and declared, "I think he has attachment issues. We need to nip this in the bud now."

Attachment issues.

If he thinks the monkey is attached to the bottle, he should see what goes on in the crib between monkey and his cuddly, Mr. Moo.

I was instructed to immediately deprive monkey of all but his evening bottle, each day, for the next week. If after three days, the monkey was not cured of his bottle habit, I should call him. My response:

"I'm dropping him off at your house tomorrow."

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