Monday, January 08, 2007

One minute you're picking pumpkins....

and the're suddenly upon a new year ... One minute you're living in a one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn..and the're a minivan driving mom of two in Jersey.

Hello 2007.

How did the year go by so quickly?

Sometimes, the start of a new year brings out the reflective side in me. It's a time to look back on what you've accomplished. It's also a time to look forward to what you hope to achieve.

Foremost in my mind is the fact that we are approaching Jordan's two-year milestone post transplant. I don't know whether this has any real significance from a medical point of view. In terms of organ rejection - that will be a shadow that will always hang over him. His body could reject his heart at any time. Or it could never happen at all. But, I guess, those early days of terror have given way to a more manageable level of uncertainty. I don't feel as scared these days of what might happen to him - or his heart. Don't get me wrong, I still worry. A lot. But my worries these days are more mundane. Why is he such a picky eater? Why is he so skinny? When will he learn to put away his toys after he's done playing with them?

What's harder for me to resolve are other uncertainties. As Jordan gets older, I wonder how he will compare with other children. Is his generally cautious nature a product of his personality or is it a sign of something else? Is his fearfulness of new places and people a product of his early experiences with doctors and hospitals and needles and pain? Will he grow more accepting of these medical procedures as a normal part of his life? And how do I help him through this? As he gets older and starts asking questions, what do I say? How do I explain all of it to him? When he asks me why this happened to him, what will I answer?

Why, indeed? In the early days, I asked myself that at least once every hour. The further along we go, my comfort level with this increases. This is our normality. Although I still find myself asking the question, it hurts less to do so. I still don't have any definite answers, but I have some ideas of my own.

I'll always worry, no matter how much I resolve not too. That's part of being a mom. And I'm lucky enough to be that twice over.
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