Mina is only 7, but she's unilaterally decided she is in charge. As she puts it, she is "second in command."
Part of this is my fault, as I taught her that expression.
I only meant to use it with respect to Oscar .. our dog. She was upset because Oscar wouldn't run out for a walk with her unless I nodded at him and said, "Oscar, walk."
I explained the pack mentality to her, i.e. why Oscar only listened to me.
Me: "It's because I'm the alpha dog, you see? So when I tell him it's time for a walk, or car ride or sit, he listens."
Mina: "I want to be the alpha dog!"
Me: "There can only be one in a pack. Maybe you can be second in command."
She walked away, satisfied.
Slowly but surely, however, she's staging a mutiny.
Exhibit A: Mina's plan to thwart "quiet time." Jordan becomes the fall guy.
Lisen[sic] Jordan here is the plan
You open your door quietly
You peek out if mom is soundlees[sic]
you tiptoe to my room slide the response to me and I
send back
Love: Mina
P.S. if she is there you wait until she (mom) is gone.
It's been suggested I frame this note for posterity.
When I confronted her about it, she denied everything, despite her very obvious signature. Jordan laughed maniacally; and claimed he ignored it and sat very quietly in his room reading during the appointed hour.
Lately, this expression has been getting a lot of use in the house. I'm not quite sure where Jordan learned this. I've been thinking about whether I might have said it in some context or another. Because whatever I said, the way Jordan uses it - well, it doesn't always make sense.
For example,
Me: Ok, guys, it's time to go to bed.
Jordan: That's not FAIR!!!
This makes about as much sense as most of the arguments I hear at work all day.
It's 8:00. It's the time of the night when you go to bed. It's the same time of the night you've gone to bed for the last several years. As far as I know, we're not adjusting the clock backwards or forwards for spring or fall daylight savings. It's not a holiday. You have school tomorrow. You get up at 6:30 every day and you need sleep.
Ergo - it's time to go upstairs, put the pajamas on, brush your teeth, pick out clothes for tomorrow, and read the two stories we have allotted every night before bed. And yes, I know it's not fair that it's only two stories, as opposed to 15 - but because we've always only read two stories since time immemorial, I am going to chalk this one up to a term called "precedent." I'll explain that to you later.
Maybe my sense of justice and integrity is skewed. Personally, I thought it wasn't fair when I was rudely awoken at 4:00 am this morning because someone had to pee. I especially thought it wasn't fair because my alarm is set to go off at 5:00 am, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. I also don't think it's fair that this child needs a whole menagerie of animals to sleep with and will throw a fit if one of them is missing from her room at bedtime, thus necessitating a trip downstairs to find the missing one.
I also don't think it's fair she insists on bringing at least one of them to school every day and trusts me to ensure that it comes home with her at night.
On another front, I don't think it's fair that I have to diligently count every bite of food that passes my lips and methodically record the point values of things in the hope of losing the teeniest ounce. Meanwhile, my children can scarf down nothing but pizza, ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches all weekend long and they barely weigh 40 pounds. And of course what's truly not fair is that the excess weight I've been carrying around the last five years, pretty much coincided with giving birth to the two of them 18 months apart.
I also don't think it's fair that my husband can consume quarts of ice cream in front of me when he knows I am watching my points, but when he wants to drop a few points he glibly asks me how many points are in the meals I cook. And I tell him, and make sure I cook healthy, and all he needs to do to drop weight is eat one or two spoonfuls less of something and BOOM - in a week he's back to normal.
So,I'm still trying to understand Jordan's concept of justice and morality, which, though primitive, still seems to be rooted in the basic idea that he's little and I'm big and it never seems to go the way he wants it to.
Ever.
Except of course, from my point of view, it seems that once you have kids - it's always about them. Which is probably the way nature designed it to be. Is it fair? I dunno... I leave those big questions to others.
The one question I can answer though is in response to a reader who asked where I get the photo stickers I used on Jordan's favor boxes:
I ordered them from snapfish. Here's a hint - before you actually pay for your orders at checkout, always check this website - couponcodes - for deal saving discounts. Snapfish is frequently knocking off shipping and handling charges or offering discounts on prints.
Another great site for stickery things that I love is MOO. Here you can order sticker booklets with a series of pictures. They are much smaller but incredibly cute.
I use those little stickers on snack bags I send in with the kids to school in their lunch boxes, or to seal envelopes on thank you cards, or as reward stickers. The kids get a kick out of seeing themselves in sticker form.
Once upon a time, I spent the whole day with the kids. Most of the time, it was a grand experience. They started out little and didn't say much. They cried a lot. Slowly, they began talking.
And then they began talking back.
That's when things got interesting.
One day, I realized they were ready for school full time. I can't describe the exact moment when I knew we were ready for the next step. They had outgrown the little home routines and needed more. So, fulltime pre-school for them. Full time paid work for me. Onward and upward.
snack bags. Designs by request.
These days, the bulk of our time together occurs in the morning and after 6:30 when I get home. Weekends too, but that's different. During the weekend, we're too busy driving them around to all the different social events they have been invited to.
Despite our limited time together, they manage to come up with a few amusing things.
I'm so pulling this video out to show her senior prom date.
JS: question: what films or books actually changed your mind about something? (as opposed to simply reinforcing what you already believed)
Thinking ahead: cutest valentine's day craft if you know anything about sewing. I don't. Wish I did.
And what broke my heart tonight: “There is no one, nothing, no medicines, no explanations for why my daughter is going to die.”
— Jeudy Francia, outside St. Esprit Hospital in Port-au-Prince. Captioned in online headlines, New York Times, January 13, 2010.
What's encouraging though is that the desire to help is global. This website spans images from Haiti, but what encouraged me was seeing aid workers from all over the world gearing up to help in the search and relief as well as provide direct aid on the ground.
I love this outfit he put together. And they say that boys clothing isn't as cute as girls.
Now, back to reality.
This clip has been making the airwaves for a week now, and I've watched it numerous times. Personally, I think it's just God-awful parenting in action and disturbing on so many levels. I used to be a fan of the show, but I've sworn it off now because I think this train wreck needs to end.
Unfortunately, I had my own Kate Gosselin moment tonight, and I don't mean I went and had my nails done with the American Chopper guys, or got a free tummy tuck, or hairplugs for my husband.
Jordan was in rare form at dinner tonight. Both him and Mina feed off of each other, instead of the food, once they get on a bad behavior roll. This night was no exception. We employ the "three strikes and you're in time out" routine. It usually works. But after both of them got two strikes within minutes of each other, I realized things were escalating to the point of no return way too fast. So I threw in an added consequences, issued with a stern warning:
"If you get three strikes tonight, you will get a time out, and dinner will be OVER. No more dinner. I will take it away."
Cue the barely disguised chuckles and smirks behind the cups.
Now here's how I know women are just biologically designed to outlive men. We're smarter, have better sense, and actually possess the basic survival skills needed to outsmart threats to our well being. Mina - who has the capacity to be just as fresh as Jordan - immediately shut up and quickly began eating her food. She also worked on getting on my good side, and asked for some extra soup. She sat there calmly, sipping on the soup and not making another sound. She knew I had reached the boiling point.
Jordan, on the other hand, has no survival instincts to speak of. He kept acting up - little, annoying things done just for the sake of attention. My repeated warnings fell on deaf, and deafer ears.. until finally, I just got up, picked him up and put him in the naughty chair. While he screamed away, I cleared away the rest of his dinner - leaving only his milk.
He finally quieted down from time out, we discussed why he was sent there, and he returned to to the table. Where all hell broke loose once again. Seeing that his plate was cleared, he lost it. Completely. He began screaming and begging for food. Begging! Like this kid has ever shown an interest in food before.
He cried, and screamed and sobbed. Naturally, our kitchen windows were wide open, so the neighbors got a good earful. I kept wondering what I would think if I heard my neighbor's kid begging for food. Especially since Mina and I continued to sit at the table and eat our dinner. He just stood there next to me, sobbing.
Yep, there we were, eating. I sat there eating my dinner while Jordan cried away for his. The whole time, I sat there thinking about Kate Gosselin. Every bite I took felt bitter and painful, as I debated whether to give in and just make him another plate of dinner. Or whether I should hold my ground this once and see if it made a difference.
I held out. He calmed down and climbed onto my lap. While he was quiet, I tried to explain in four sentences what the issue was. (Jeff's aunt gave me this rule over the weekend, and I thought it was brilliant. Make each explanation only as long as their age.) So I said:
"This is our house." "In our house we have rules." "If you break the rules, there will be a consequence." "You were naughty at the table, so no dinner."
He looked up at me, eyes still wet from crying and said,
This week, Jordan went on a field trip with his class to a nature center.
Obviously, he was very excited about it - especially the chance to ride the big, yellow school bus all by himself. That evening at dinner, he told us in detail what he did on the trip, and all the interesting things he saw ("I saw a bear!")
Uh-huh.
Mina looked crestfallen. Then, she interjected:
Mina: I went on a field trip too!
Jordan: No Mina! You're a Tiny Seed. I'm in Busy Spiders! Only Busy Spiders went on a field trip! You're too little!
Mina: No! I'm not! I'm not too little!! I went on a field trip too!
and so on over the course of the meal.
But I kinda felt bad.
It seems like they work poor Bean so hard at that school, what with all the manual labor in the fields ...
I'm thinking maybe the principal decided to save some money on professional landscapers this year.
So, when Jeff suggested bringing Mina into the city today for a special daddy-lunch, I thought this might be just the thing to cheer her up. I informed her she was going on a special field trip of her own - just me and her, heading into the city for a "special lunch!!"
We got dressed up, she wore her outfit to her regular gym class this morning, and told everyone where she was going after.
To see her daddy! In thecity!!
and the view from his new office!
I know where I'll be next New Year Eve. That's the ball right there.
Off to lunch. Jeff's been raving about the sweet potato fries at this place. They did not disappoint.
Mina waits anxiously.
"Come and get it," the beepers said.
She tried.
She liked.
I ate another hamburger. That's two this month, God help me. But it was good.
And Mina had a great time. Of course, at dinner tonight, she made sure Jordan got to hear all the details.
"I went on a field trip to the city!" She said.
Jordan: No you didn't Mina! Only I went on a field trip!
Mina: Yes I did! I saw daddy! I went to the city! I went on a field trip!
And then she looked over at me for confirmation.
Le sigh. I verified her account; and now Jordan thinks all we do on Mina's days off is goof around and go on adventures without him. Later, he informed me he's not going to school on Monday.
Mina asked me, as I was changing the garbage can liner.
"Yes, Mina," I said. "Obviously, I am the Queen of the House."
Even royalty has to take the trash out on garbage day.
Spring has arrived; and the warmer weather means more outdoor play. With that in mind, I am really appreciating the design of our house. Our small backyard is just big enough to keep the kids amused, and it is arranged in such a way that I can watch them from the kitchen while I make dinner.
It's fenced in, so the inmates can't escape; and they are too small to reach up high enough to unlock the gates. They are usually good out there by themselves for a few minutes at a time (before an argument shatters their fragile peace.)
Of course, you can't leave them out there too long. Look carefully at this picture right above. As I was standing at the sink inside, watching the two of them, I began to wonder what the hell Jordan was doing at the base of the slide. Uh-oh. Time to investigate.
Turns out, he got his hands on a bottle of spray on sunscreen that I keep outside. He decided the slide needed some UV protection. Hence, the white splotches. He also managed to spray conspicuous spots on the lawn, for good measure.
Clearly, he was full of remorse.
Clean up time.
The dandelions needed extra attention.
Followed by some Oscar harassment time.
And then, it was time to come in and eat dinner.
And there, at the dining table, the fun just never ends. Every night, it's my own personal groundhog day, relived in one version or another.
We pick.
We poke.
we take a bite.
We break long enough for a rousing version of "Wheels on the Bus," sung a capella
We take another bite.
This is usually what I look like. This is me praying to God for deliverance in my next lifetime. It's also me asking for forgiveness for the many years of mealtime torture I put my own mother through. Karma is a bitch.
Mina usually does a better job of eating without prompting, but she still has a long way to go.
Things we're looking forward to:
1. The Mother's Day tea party at school. This should be amusing. 2. A Brooklyn BBQ reunion in NJ. 3. A visit from some of our California counterparts - Audrey and Richard.
I learned that Jordan has a new friend in his class - Bernadette. Bernadette wears a blue shirt and has hair clips.
And Mina has a new friend, who has a chocolate face. I wasn't entirely sure what this meant. I learned that Ella has toys, and wears a pretty dress, and is "Mina's friend." I wondered whether it was time to have that conversation about how people come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but I wasn't quite sure that's where she was going with this.
I decided to just let it go when Mina declared that Ella she was her best friend.
